Go the F--- to Sleep
by I Left My Cake Out in the Rain
Summary: ONESHOT. Nick Fury is recruited to put a bunch of troublemaking de-aged Avengers to bed.


_**A/N**_ : This is, in all honesty, a random oneshot. I was reading all that de-aging fanfiction and suddenly I just really wanted to write some weird, funny little Marvel thing.

It works better if you have this in the background: watch?v=Udj-o2m39NA

* * *

Nick Fury looked at the toddlers before him, all who stared back up at him. Whatever the hell Loki did to them wasn't wearing off until the next day, and they had successfully driven Coulson, Hill and Hogan crazy to the point where they enlisted him to put the children to bed.

"But I'm not tired!" The four-year-old Clint whined. "We want to play."

"Я не утомлен также (I am not tired either)," Natasha, also four years of age, murmured from behind the archer. They were particularly close.

Steve, who had been quiet since his time-out for provoking Bruce into Hulking out, finally spoke up. "Read us a story!" For a sickly, pale little five-year-old, he sure could get a person's attention. He put an arm around Tony, only three years, who was largely mute, except when he asked for something, which was very timid. Fury heard all about it from Coulson, and they suspected that it was the result of Howard Stark's A+ parenting.

"Alright. Everyone under the covers, and I'll tell you a story." This was definitely going to be weird for all of them come morning, and Fury was very much looking forward to it. He sighed, sitting in a chair beside Tony's king-size bed. Thor had pulled up something on a tablet, which Bruce showed him how to use. The Asgardian handed the tablet to Fury, who examined it closely.

Before he could begin, Steve piped up again. "No fairy tales!" Out of all the mini-Avengers, he'd been reported to by Hill, Rogers was easily the most troublesome. He only wondered about the amount of grief he gave his mother at this age some eighty years earlier. An argument was about to break out before Fury put up his hand, silencing them all instantly.

"I have the perfect story for you. No interruptions, got it?" The children nodded.

" _The cats nestle close to their kittens_

 _The lambs have laid down with the sheep_

 _You're cozy and warm in your bed, my dear_

 _Please go the fuck to sleep._ "

Steve opened his mouth to reprimand the Director but Tony nudged him.

" _The windows are dark in the town, child_

 _The whales huddle down in the deep_

 _I'll read you one very last book if you swear_

 _You'll go the fuck to sleep_

 _The eagles who soar through the sky are at rest_

 _Like the creatures who crawl, run and creep..._ "

Clint raised his hand to ask for a drink of water but Fury eyed him.

" _I know you're not thirsty. That's bullshit. Stop lying_

 _Lie the fuck down, my darling, and sleep_

 _The wind whispers soft through the grass, hon_

 _The field mice, they make not a peep_

 _It's been thirty-eight minutes already_

 _Jesus Christ, what the fuck? Go to sleep_

 _All the nursery kids are in dreamland_

 _The froggie has made his last leap..._ "

Steve tried to squirm over to the edge of the bed but he was pushed back over by Bruce, who had put his glasses aside.

" _Hell no, you can't go to the bathroom_

 _You know where you can go? The fuck to sleep_

 _The owls fly forth from the treetops_

 _Through the air, they soar and they sweep_

 _A hot, crimson rage fills my heart, love_

 _Come on, shut the fuck up and sleep_

 _The cubs and the lions are snoring_

 _Wrapped in a big, snuggly heap_

 _How come you can do all this other great shit_

 _But you can't lie the fuck down and sleep?_ "

Thor yawned and pulled the pillow close. Two down, four to go.

" _The seeds slumber beneath the Earth now_

 _And the crops that the farmers will reap_

 _No more questions. This interview's over_

 _I've got two words for you, kid: Fucking sleep_

 _The tiger reclines in the simmering jungle_

 _The sparrow has silenced her cheep..._ "

Steve looked terrified to even ask but he trembled, opening his mouth. Tony was on it and handed him his Bucky Bear.

" _Fuck your stuffed bear. I'm not getting you shit_

 _Close your eyes. Cut the crap. Sleep_

 _The flowers doze low in the meadows_

 _And high on the mountains so steep_

 _My life is a failure, I'm a terrible parent_

 _Stop fucking with me, please, and sleep._ "

Clint and Natasha were huddled together, the redhead already snoring softly.

" _The giant pangolins of Madagascar are snoozing_

 _As I lie here and openly weep_

 _Sure, fine, whatever, I'll bring you some milk_

 _Who the fuck cares? You're not going to sleep._ "

Fury was already starting to go himself, which gave Steve the opportunity to slip out from the bottom of the covers, Tony right behind him.

" _This room is all I can remember_

 _The furniture crappy and cheap_

 _You win. You escape. You run down the hall_

 _As I nod the fuck off, and sleep..._ "

His head leaned back against the chair and Director Fury was out like a light.

* * *

When he came to, it was bright. He rubbed his eye and looked at the bed. Thor had wrapped himself in the covers, and Clint and Natasha were still cuddling. All were full sized. He slipped out and found a massive pillow fort in the living room.

Steve's blond head popped out, full-on adult and all. "What's the password?"

"We may look like adults but the child in us lives!" Tony came out of the fort with Steve's shield in hand.

"Are you motherfuckers serious?" Tony gasped dramatically and looked over his shoulder at Steve, who only responded by pulling out a Nerf gun. "Don't you dare, Rogers."

A smirk slowly spread across Steve's face and he set the aim.


End file.
